One of the most striking stories of friendship between human beings in the Old Testament is that of Jonathan and David. In today’s terms, they were the first “bromance” in history.
1And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.
1 Samuel 18:1 (KJV)
These following verses are the same verse, but from different versions:
New International Version
After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.
New Living Translation
After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king’s son. There was an immediate bond between them, for Jonathan loved David.
English Standard Version
As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.
Shortly put, Jonathan was King Saul’s son and King Saul hated David enough to “hunt him”, to seek ways and to attempt to get rid of him. As you might have guessed, David survived every King Saul’s attempts to kill him.
In the New Testament, however, it is a surprising relationship you will find in a letter from Paul to Philemon. You know, this letter everyone keeps skipping because they think the letters to the Corinthians, the Galatians, the Romans, the Ephesians, and the Colossians convey more crucial content than it. Paul’s letter to Philemon seems out of place among the other letters. First, the letter is addressed to one person instead of a group and second, Paul asked for a favour instead of teaching, scolding, or directly exhorting the addressee. The tone is intimate (read this word to mean that they know and understand each other), full of respect and consideration.
But without thy mind would I do nothing; that thy benefit should not be as it were of necessity, but willingly.
Philemon 1:14 (KJV)
New International Version
But I did not want to do anything without your consent, so that any favor you do would not seem forced but would be voluntary.
New Living Translation
But I didn’t want to do anything without your consent. I wanted you to help because you were willing, not because you were forced.
English Standard Version
but I preferred to do nothing without your consent in order that your goodness might not be by compulsion but of your own accord.
Why did Paul ask something of Philemon instead of commanding him to do it? Paul did not lack in authority; he pointed it out to Philemon and highlighted the fact he deliberately chose not to use it. Most of the people he wrote to were people who converted during his visits to these regions. Most considered him their “spiritual father”, their mentor, their teacher. However, in the name of friendship, Paul asks Philemon to do something instead of commanding him to do so. Why did Paul choose it?
I read some commentaries about this letter and most agree on the fact that Paul provided Philemon with an opportunity to do one more thing for the Lord, a gesture done willingly.
2 Corinthians 9:7
Each one should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not out of regret or compulsion. For God loves a cheerful giver.1 Peter 5:2
Be shepherds of God’s flock that is among you, watching over them not out of compulsion, but because it is God’s will; not out of greed, but out of eagerness;
But what if there was more to it?
From the beginning of the letter, we know Paul is confident in Philemon’s answer. Philemon is a man who loves the Lord and God’s followers. From the way Paul addresses Philemon in the beginning of his letter, I keep picturing him as the eager type: eager to please the Lord, fervent in his walk of love, and ready to walk in obedience.
What if Paul gave Philemon an opportunity to grow? The letter mentioned an unpleasant history between Philemon and Onesimus; Paul must have suspected that the favour he asked of him would be a tall order and a sore spot in Philemon’s life. In order for Philemon to give Paul a positive answer, he had to make things right with God in regards to Onesimus and within himself over the past, and most likely forgive Onesimus. A positive answer to Paul required of Philemon to choose God, to choose to grow in maturity, and Paul knew it.
Since no one can coerce someone else into growing up; it had to be done willingly.
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
Proverbs 27:17
New International Version
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
New Living Translation
As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.
English Standard Version
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.
In my own opinion, the most potent verse about friendship is found in Proverbs:
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Proverbs 17:17 (KJV)
A friend loves at all times, and to know what love is and what it does, go to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NKJV)
People usually enter a friendship because they like and love their friend from the get-go. If you are in a friendship that does not engage your heart in a positive way, it is not a friendship and you are not a friend. Most agree that friendship happens between like-minded people, but it is not always the case; something common brings them together but they might very well be opposites in terms personality and outlook on life.
Friendship, in God’s eyes, serves a purpose. Friendship is a relationship in which the friends are called to serve (to minister to) one another, to be there for each other. Friendship is also a type of relationship that heightens awareness. We come to be (to exist, to label who we are) only in front of someone else. Difference in opinions, shortcomings, and subconscious and conscious emotions find an outlet through friendship and sometimes also get in the way. Friendship is never about self, it is always about the other person because love is selfless (love does not seek its own and love does not parade itself, is not puffed up).
Real friends are honest with each other, they are truthful, and they care about one another. A friend provides help and support and meets the needs he can meet. Friendship overall builds up the two people in it. Friendship is benevolent because love is kind and love thinks no evil. Friendship is one of God’s ways to show us his love, because a friend loves at all times and love forgives all.
Need a reminder on what love is and what love does?
Love cannot exist without free will. Love does not behave rudely, therefore love does not allow coercion, domination, and tyranny and coercing Philemon in any way would have been proof that Paul did not love him. Paul loved Philemon as a friend, hence the reason he granted him the opportunity to exert his free will, the opportunity to grow in God and in love, and thus become a more mature Christian. That’s what friends do for one another; they help each other grow closer to God by loving their friend unconditionally, by loving the way God loves, by God loving their friend through them.
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